


a mother's love

by hallelujah99



Series: The Goodkind-Shalifoe Family [12]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Dementia, Established Relationship, F/F, Married Life, Parenthood, Post-Canon, Sad, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29648403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallelujah99/pseuds/hallelujah99
Summary: "Shelby hoped and prayed and even believed her mother would be lucky, that the disease would progress slowly, and maybe something else would take her first, so that her mind didn't leave before her body did.Sometimes, God answers prayers 'No.' "/Shelby's mother develops dementia.(In the same universe as the rest of the series but can be read as a stand alone)
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: The Goodkind-Shalifoe Family [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088612
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	a mother's love

It started on a Tuesday afternoon. Shelby had just gotten home from work, she was the first one back. She knew Toni would be working a little later than normal and the girls would be back from their after-school activities soon. 

It made her nervous, Isla driving and her sister in the passenger seat. That was her and Toni’s whole world, in one little car, driven by a distractible sixteen year old who loved to turn the radio up and sing, with a 9 year old who loved to make her big sister laugh until she cried. It was less than a ten minute drive but Shelby was always uneasy until they were home safe. 

She pulled out her phone, scrolling around until she got an incoming call from her mom. 

“Hi Mama, what’s going on?” She answered. Things had been better between them in the several years since her father’s passing, but it still was strange to get a call out of the blue. 

“Oh, nothing much, just thought I’d give you a holler. How are you? How are the kids?” 

“I’m good, they’re good. Isla just got her license, so that’s a little scary, but exciting.” Shelby answered. “Oh, I bet! How’s June? And Toni?” 

“Good, good. June made the club soccer team, of course. And Toni bought a new car so that’s been cool.” 

“Oh, June’s always a wiz out on the field!”

They talked for several minutes, until her daughters arrived home, safe and sound, thank God. She passed the phone to them and they each talked to their grandmother for a bit before giving the phone back to Shelby. 

“Well, I’ll let you go now, Mama, good to talk to you, I love you!” Shelby said.

“I love you, too.” She answered. 

The next day, as Shelby was leaving work, she noticed a missed call from her mom. That was strange. She called her back on the way home.

“Hi, Mama, why’d you call?” Shelby asked.

“Oh, just thought I’d see how you were doing, and Toni and the girls.” 

Shelby sat in silence for a moment. “We’re good…” she answered. 

“That’s good to hear.” Her mom answered. 

“Isla...Isla just got her driver’s license,” Shelby said, testing something she was afraid to be testing.

“Oh that’s exciting! Tell her I say congratulations.”

Shelby didn’t have to tell Isla that, because she’d told her herself. The day before.

“Mama…” Shelby said. She pulled over into a parking lot. She didn’t feel fit to drive in that moment.

“Yes?” 

“What did you do yesterday?” Shelby asked, like she was trying to be casual about it. 

“I...oh let’s see, I um...come to think of it, I can’t quite remember!” She laughed “That’s part of getting old, I guess.”

“Mama”

“Yes?”

“Isla just got her driver’s license.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! They grow up so fast, don’t they?” 

After Shelby ended the conversation, she immediately called Toni. 

“Baby, I need you to come here.” She told her, her eyes already welling up with tears. 

“I’m on my way.” Toni replied.

* * *

Spencer got their mother into a doctor’s appointment soon after she called him. He had told her that he had been ignoring his own suspicions, but agreed it was time. 

The doctors told them that every patient was different and it was hard to say how her mother would progress. Shelby hoped and prayed and even believed her mother would be lucky, that the disease would progress slowly, and maybe something else would take her first, so that her mind didn't leave before her body did.

Sometimes, God answers prayers “No.” It was difficult to really comprehend that, because Shelby had prayed she’d find love, prayed for a strong marriage, prayed for happy, healthy children, and God had given her all of that in spades. But this, God could not deliver on. 

It was only a few short months before her mother had to move in with Spencer, his wife Anaisha, and their two young kids. Shelby tried to help as much as she could from afar, but she knew that paying for a meal delivery service and respite caregivers only went so far. 

One night, while Toni was cooking dinner and Shelby was helping June with her homework, Spencer texted, asking if she’d like to FaceTime their mom for a bit. A guilty little part of her wanted to pretend she didn’t see the text. Her mom was getting harder to talk to, she often didn’t understand what other people were saying, and she was saying more and more inappropriate things, like insulting Anaisha’s cooking. Shelby wouldn’t have ever heard things like that coming out of her mouth for her entire life up until that point. It wasn’t her mom, that’s not how she was. But it  _ was _ her mom, missing her, wanting to talk to her, so she texted back that she was free to talk. 

“Hi, Mama!” She said when she answered the phone. 

“Hi, Shelby.” Her mom said, her face much flatter than it once had been, her trademark smile no longer showing up as much as it used to. 

Shelby turned the camera on June, who smiled and waved, “Hi, Grandma!” 

“Hi, Isla.” June froze up, looking at Shelby. Out of the corner of her eye, Shelby could see Toni set down the spoon she’d been stirring with to turn around and face them. 

“That’s June, Mama.” Shelby told her, once it was clear June wouldn’t say anything on her own. 

“Oh, hello, June.” She said.

“How about you tell grandma about your game yesterday?” Toni suggested.

“I scored two g-g-, scored two goals.” June told her. Usually, Shelby paid June’s stutter no mind. It was how God made her, and it was nothing to be ashamed of; but in that moment, she braced herself, ready to go into Mama-bear mode if her mom made some demeaning comment about it. 

“Ah, yes, the soccer star of the family. Much better than your mother used to be.” Shelby was over the moon for a second that her mother had remembered it was soccer that was June’s passion. Then she felt some wave of guilt when she realized she’d expected the absolute worst from her mother. She was still the same caring, sweet mom and grandma she’d (almost) always been. “Your mom was in soccer for a year, all she’d do the whole time is pick dandelions and try to give them to girls on the other team.”

June giggled at that, and Toni let out a belly laugh that echoed through the kitchen. It was a good feeling, having some positive interaction with her mom, when so much of it was choppy and painful. Shelby wondered about the mysteries of the brain and why her mom could remember something like that but not which of her granddaughters was which. 

* * *

Spencer and Anaisha tried and tried, and when they couldn’t do it any longer, they dug deep and tried some more. It was still too much, and Shelby could not fault them. Along with Melody, they did thorough research on the best memory care homes in southern Texas, and found one that had all sorts of awards and programs and pictures of smiling people on their website.  She moved in just as the girls’ school year wrapped up, and the next week, the family drove down to see her. 

Spencer led them down the hall to her mother’s new room. Shelby looked at the cold white walls and wondered if this was really the best in the area or if there was somewhere better her Mama could be.

Isla confidently walked alongside her uncle, chattering away like they were catching up over coffee, Shelby and Toni walked behind them, Toni’s hand firmly holding Shelby’s, keeping her grounded, and June followed behind them, her fingers playing with the cuffs of her jacket.

Spencer turned into the room, Isla following right behind him. Shelby stopped to take a second to breathe. Just as she was starting to push the door open, she heard her mother gasp.

“Dave!” She hissed “Dave!” She was looking at Spencer. “Dave she’s here! That girl is here!” She was looking straight at Isla, who stood dumbfounded.

“What?” Spencer asked

“That awful girl, the ones who’s making Shelby...well! Aren’t you gonna get rid of her?”

“That’s Isla, mom.” Spencer said, uncertainly. It’s bad practice to disagree with a dementia patient, but it was obvious he was at a loss.

“Why is she here? Get her out!” JoBeth continued to spew. Isla turned and quickly retreated into the hallway, her mothers and sister following quickly after her.

Isla was already crying by the time Shelby reached her a few feet from the door and pulled her into a hug. “What’s happening?” Isla asked as she pulled back, wiping tears off her face as more continued to fall. Toni and June joined them, Toni pulling Isla in for a hug and June nestling into Shelby.

Toni glanced at Shelby, to give her the chance to explain if she wanted, but Shelby couldn’t find the words.

“I think Grandma thought you were me. She probably thinks it’s like 2021.”

Isla shook her head in confusion “But why was she so mean? I know that Dave was like that but she was never like that.”

Toni glanced at Shelby, clearly unsure how to respond. They were both realizing that-in their efforts to give their daughters a grandmother who was fun and loving and trustworthy-they had glossed over some details. Sure, she had never been as bad as Dave, and she had never yelled for Toni to be removed from a room, but she hadn’t hid her displeasure either.

Shelby thought maybe she should tell her daughters the truth one day, but today was not it. She wanted to preserve the image of the grandmother who visited every summer and took them camping, who sent thoughtful birthday presents without fail. She wanted that both for her daughters and her mom.

“There’s so much we still don’t understand about dementia. There’s no way to know why she’s acting like that. I’m so sorry she did though, Isla.” Toni answered.

“It’s okay.” Isla said, clearly still trying to get it together. It didn’t feel okay at all to Shelby, but there was nothing left to do. She wanted to go back into the room, it was what they’d come for, after all. But it wasn’t the right time. She couldn’t have her children go back in there and expose them to more pain. There was so much Shelby would do for her mom but hurt her children would never be one of them.

She stood silently, before realizing her family was waiting on her for direction, no one was going to make any decision for her. She reached out to Toni, who pulled her into a hug. “Let’s all go get lunch somewhere and maybe try again later, okay?” Toni whispered, somehow knowing just what she needed. Shelby nodded into her shoulder.

While they were eating, Spencer texted Shelby to let her know that her mom was sleeping and likely would be for a while. Shelby breathed a guilty sigh of relief and texted Anaisha to see if she wanted to meet up at the zoo so all the cousins could hang out together. 

It was nice to see her again, and good to see Isla smile as she told her little cousins all about the animals and imitated their sounds, making her cousins laugh. June held Shelby's  hand as they walked around, something she hadn’t really done in years. Shelby wondered if she was doing it to comfort herself or in an attempt to comfort Shelby. 

She wondered what message she was sending her children. She felt like she needed to leave the scene to protect her kids, but at the same time, she was modeling abandoning your own mother. Shelby stroked the back of June’s hand and wondered what she’d do if one day Shelby’s mind left her, replaced by little but confusion and pain. 

She felt Toni’s hand slip into her other one. “You’re thinking too much.” She whispered. She nodded, she was, but she had no way to stop it. Toni pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. “You’re being the best you can, and it’s more than enough.” She whispered. Looking into her wife’s brown eyes, Shelby found herself believing her. 

* * *

Toni sat in the car to talk to the kids while Shelby checked into their hotel. As they pulled the bags from the trunk, Toni told her the girls felt ready to try again tomorrow, but wanted to just stay in the hotel for the rest of the evening, and they were excited about the prospect of room service. “You really think they’ll understand if I go back for a bit?” Shelby asked, and Toni kissed her. “Yes, baby, they will.” She assured her. 

When she got to her mom’s room for the second time, she found her mom tucked into bed, holding a semi-realistic baby doll. Shelby had heard about this- a program the care home ran where they gave fake babies, cats, and dogs to the residents to cuddle. It was supposed to calm them down. 

Shelby felt overwhelmed at the thought that her mother, by all appearances, could not tell the difference between the doll and a real baby. It was obviously making her happy, but it twisted Shelby’s insides that it did. 

Her mother looked up, “Oh good you’re here!”

“I’m here!” Shelby said, forcing a smile on her face.

“I was beginning to think this hospital didn’t have a damn nurse working here.” She said, turning back to the baby, and it took Shelby a second to realize that she was the nurse in her mother’s mind. 

“She’s so beautiful, isn't she?” Her mother said, still looking at the doll in her arms. 

“Yes, she is.” Shelby said, barely able to look in her mom’s direction. 

“Do you have any children of your own?” Her mother asked. “I have two daughters.” Shelby replied.

“So you know how strong the love is.” JoBeth said, and Shelby couldn’t couldn’t breathe, barraged with images in her mind of herself in the future, obsessing over a doll while her daughters stood there, heartbroken and confused, and she remained totally unaware. She wished she'd brought Toni with her, her mother's reaction be damned. She needed her wife. 

Her mother adjusted the swaddle around the doll and leaned down to press a kiss to its forehead. “Shelby, Shelby.” Her mother cooed at the doll. “I love you so much, already. I’m going to love you forever, Miss Shelby.”

Shelby had always avoided crying in front of her kids, but that night in the hotel room, as Toni held her tightly into her chest, she couldn’t help it as she sobbed into the early hours of the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> WOW why did I write this? I guess I felt like this universe just needed a fic where bad things happen because they never really do otherwise (i mean unless you count Dave having stroke??)
> 
> But bad things don't happen between the Goodkind-Shalifoes :) <3
> 
> Let me know your thoughts please! I promise I have some fluffier stuff cooking up as well!


End file.
